


Doubts

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [18]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Marriage, Sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-27 08:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/659715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Onboard the Normandy, Javik expresses his wish for Commander Shepard to Major Alenko.  The thoughts cause Kaidan a sleepless night with Allyse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

The last person he expects to come and find him is Javik, but the Prothean walks onto the observation deck as if he has a mission.  Strangely enough, he likes the man.  There was something compelling about him, so much quiet dignity and pride.  All four eyes focus on Kaidan, fixing him with a stare that seems even more serious than Javik's normal gaze.  It unnerves Kaidan, though he tries not to let it show, knowing that the shrewd ancient warrior would pick up on such emotion immediately.  Instead, he squares his shoulders, turning to face his guest without betraying any curiosity at the visit.

"Major Alenko."  Javik's accented voice sounds more questioning than authoritative.  Could this be a social call instead of an official one?  They had little contact outside of missions.  Kaidan nodded at him.

"Javik."

"I have been studying this ship, its history.  You were on the previous Normandy, were you not?"  Javik asked, but it wasn't truly a question.  If he'd studied it, then he knew the answer.

"I was."  Kaidan said after a beat, understanding that Javik wanted to hear the confirmation from him.

"And were you also romantically involved with Commander Shepard then?"

"Yes."  Kaidan stiffened, not sure where this line of questioning is going.  It was always hard to tell with Javik, he was cagey and sometimes too hard for Kaidan to make much of.

"This was not against the rules of your Alliance?  I have to wonder about a military organization that would allow such fraternization."  Javik mused in his clipped, accented voice.

"That's a long story."  Kaidan answered with a sigh, and just the mere mention of it had him swept up in memories too potent to tamp down.

Virmire, and leaving Ash behind.  His injuries had been so bad, he wouldn't have made it back to the ship on his own, and sometimes dreams of it, that it went the other way and he died right there, in front of that bomb.  Clearly, in his mind's eye he can see Allyse slumped against the lockers when the Normandy was locked out by Udina, and that moment when they almost kissed before Joker came on the comm.  Going to Flux and talking to Anderson, then stealing the ship.  That night with Shepard, that first night when he knew, he knew nothing would ever be the same for him again and it didn't matter, because he was already crazy about her.  Even now, he could feel her skin against his, breath on his neck as she said, "bunk here tonight, Kaidan."

It was just a moment in time they couldn't control, but he held onto it.  It was what he had as they fought, the first time he'd really been preparing to die on a mission.  Ilos, and then the battle, it all went so quickly.  Then after, after Saren and the whole mess, after the Citadel, he was running through fire, trying to find her, because she couldn't die - but then she did, and he was lost.

Kaidan turned away from Javik, bracing his hands on the back of the couch.  Taking a few deep breaths, he didn't go on, he just let the statement hang in the air.  It was a long story, and too personal for him to get into.  His mouth opened and closed, unable to speak or make sense of it.

"And then she died."  Javik began again, able to feel the torrent of emotions rolling off Kaidan.  "When she was resurrected to fight the Reapers, you did not trust her."  Kaidan opened his mouth to explain, but Javik held up a hand.  "I would not have either, were I you.  But still, you protected her, told your Alliance that she was not the enemy."

"I am honor-bound to tell the truth."

Javik snorted at the statement.  "Honor.  You all place so much stock in honor when there can be none in war.  It is a luxury only the victors can afford to claim, though in the heat of battle, all sides fight the same."  He began but then broke off, shaking his head.  "Tell me this, do you intend to win this war, and give your wife the peace she so deserves?"

"Winning the war is a tall order, Javik, but I intend to do it or die trying.  But, wife?  Shepard and I aren't married."

"I have heard the other humans refer to their bondmates as husband or wife.  The shuttle pilot mourns his husband, the man that he loved and was killed by the Collectors.  Are you not the Commander's husband?  Did you not mourn her the way Lieutenant Cortez mourns now?"

"That's a little difficult.  Legally, no.  There's a ceremony where we would, uh, exchange declarations of love and fidelity, then usually a celebration afterwards.  We sign legal documents, and humans exchange rings as a sign of commitment.  Shepard and I haven't done those things yet.  But we are...bonded in the same way as married human couples, and I did mourn her, until I saw her alive again with my own eyes.  Even after, because I didn't know, didn't trust her."

"Humans and their words.  I remember your kind when you knew no words and communicated with grunts.  If you place so much importance on these words, then offer them to the Commander, sign your documents.  What I want to know is if you plan to give her a future.  She has suffered much, been killed and come back as a pariah, and still fought, then turns herself over to be imprisoned.  She deserves peace."

"Why are you so concerned about her?"

Javik turns his back on Kaidan and walks toward the door.  "She's the oldest friend I can remember, and you are the one she seeks solace in.  You need to give her hope for the future."

"I will, Javik.  The Reapers will be annihilated."

"I almost believe you."

 

#####

 

Allyse doesn't need as much sleep as she used to.

But Kaidan - he's a biotic. He eats more, sleeps harder and when he isn't using his biotics, has energy to burn.  Most of the time, those things are assets that she likes to whisper in his ear about, as she runs a teasing hand up his side.  They've had some memorable nights together since he rejoined the Normandy.

When he can't sleep, things start to shut down, leading to one of their rare fights, the separations that neither of them talk about.  Headaches invade his space, adding pain to fatigue and he dims the lights in the starboard observation deck, preferring the semi-darkness provided by the stars and kinetic barrier.  When he can't sleep, he always leaves her.

It makes her a little resentful.  Allyse wants him all the time, even when she's angry at him.  It's better to reach out and feel his back to her than feel the duvet.  After all this time, through death and loss and pain, she finally has him, they share a bed, share a life, even during this horrible war.  

As the worlds burn, she finally has some peace.  If both of them can get some sleep.

"What's wrong?"  She asked him, feeling him shift in their bed, pushing himself upright.  He shakes his head wearily, not answering her question.

"Go back to sleep, Shepard."

"Kaidan, don't."  Her voice is imploring, and it hits something within him.  Maybe rage, he's not certain, but it's something angry, dark and sad.

"Why?  Why do you want me?"  The tone is almost spiteful when it comes out, the words painting her face with shock.  Turning away, he slides away from her, feet hitting the ground, but instead of getting dressed, he dropped his head, covering his face with his hands.

"Because I love you.  Do you doubt me or are you insecure?"  She hugs him to her, pressing her chest to his back, letting her arms snake around a body more bulky than she remembered.

"Javik thinks we should get married."

"Javik thought I should shoot you when we were on the Citadel.  He wanted to throw Legion out of an airlock.  His situational awareness is a bit skewed."

"He's probably not the only one that felt that way."  This isn't about Legion, it's about the Citadel and how they nearly killed each other.  It's about Mars.  It's about Cerberus.  It's about being rebuilt and Horizon.  Somewhere, deep down, it's about that night before Ilos and how they can't get back there no matter how many hours they spend together.  Allyse knows, but she takes the easy way out when she decides to speak again.

"You still haven't talked to Garrus about that?"

"Hard to say to a man you used to consider a close friend 'hey, yeah sorry about the near shootout and please don't point your sniper rifle at me again.'"

Allyse snorts in his ear.  "Just do something with him, play cards, spar, something and get it out.  Things will right themselves if you just try."  Kaidan shrugs in her arms and she kisses his shoulder.  "Then we can get Hackett to marry us over the QEC.  It will be great, I can braid little white flowers into your hair to match the grey."

He didn't laugh, but he didn't push her arms from around him either.  They sit like that, for a while until their breath synchronizes and she can feel his muscles relax.  There's still tension, but it's eased enough to go back to sleep, for a little while.  She doesn't move until he does, both of them easing back against the bed.  

"Do you really want to get married?"  Kaidan asks.

Normally, she'd be flip or sarcastic, disguising how much the thought terrifies her, because if she dies again and there's a good chance of it, he'll be her _widower_.  Not just something special budding, and almost in love, but her husband, that she left behind again.  She should make a joke.  There would be a shrug and a laugh about dying once, so how bad could marriage be?  But she doesn't this time, let's her guard slip.  "Yes.  Yes, I want to marry you."

Allyse can feel him watching her as she stares up at the ceiling, stars going by outside the kinetic barrier.  It's uncomfortably quiet, his eyes too intense.  She can't avoid them forever, but she doesn't have to look to make it more bearable.  "As long as you don't try and take the name Shepard, then I think we'll be fine."

Kaidan gives a small laugh.  It's tired and fragile, sounds like cinders falling to the ground.  "There really should be only one Shepard.  I think I'll stay an Alenko."

She smiles up, but not at him and he slings an arm around her, his shirtless body snuggling into her, warming her side.  He'd get back to sleep tonight, but she doubted she would.


End file.
